Six Life Lessons I Have Learned

1. A watched toaster never pops.

 You have to ignore the toaster. Don’t wait for the toast to pop up. Walk away. Get distracted by something else. Fold laundry. Do your taxes. When you get back to the toaster, you’ll find your toast has popped up. Except it’s cold. How long did it sit, popped up and waiting for you? Hmmm? I have learned the solution. Outsmart the toaster. Press the cancel button every few seconds. Pop up, push down, pop up, push down. Check the toast until it’s a light, golden brown. The toaster is ill-equipped to stop you from this ingenious action. And you will feel victorious as you enjoy your warm toast.

Another way to outsmart the toaster is to let it see you grip the toast between your teeth. This is a way to show –you mean business.

2. Tea tastes better in Victoria, B.C.

You have to go there to taste the robust and aromatic English tea for yourself. No one knows for sure why Victoria’s tea is so much better than ordinary tea. Maybe because it doesn’t come in a teabag and it’s not called Lipton. The special Victoria tea is poured from a royal china teapot into dainty gilded teacups. It is served with scones and Devonshire clotted cream and teeny sandwiches the size of postage stamps. The tiny sandwiches come stuffed with cream cheese and sliced strawberries or egg salad with cucumbers. You can double-enhance your tea experience if you dump a big glob of the clotted cream into the teacup. Add a strawberry or two. Ahhh, heaven. Your server in Victoria is polite, as all Canadians are. Here’s a warning. Canadians will stop being polite if you make any amusing quips about the Queen, whose picture is on their money and everywhere. Don’t make quips about anything you find amusing. Canadians take their tea seriously. Be prepared for your pot of tea to be removed from your table rather swiftly if your server detects the slightest hint of jocularity during teatime.

3. Never listen to naysayers.

“You can’t do this.” “You can’t do that.” “Don’t go to Mexico, it’s dangerous.” “You can’t have everything. People in hell want ice water.”

I learned to not listen and do the things I didn’t think I could. While on a hike in Mexico, far off in a wooded area, my traveling group came to a river with no bridge to cross, unless you call a four-inch wide plank set  across the raging river a bridge. Perhaps the plank was slightly wider and the river slightly less raging. At any rate, the plank stretched across the river, four or five feet high above the water. As I bravely placed my foot on the wood plank, I heard a little voice in my head mock me, “You’ve had a hip replacement. Your balance is off. Hee hee. The water below waits for your soon arrival.” That naysaying voice didn’t stop me. I tightrope-walked the plank like a pro. Of course, I had a tiny, little bit of help from a young man named Pasqual. He held my hand the whole way across. He even stepped into the raging river with his shoes on to help me cross safely.  The point is, life throws us lots of obstacles, but we can’t let that stop us from moving forward. Otherwise, you are stuck on one side of the river while your group crosses over and leaves you standing alone.

4. Slippers need hazard warning labels.

While in my hotel room in Mexico, the alarm on my iPhone startled me awake. I recall being so excited to turn the obnoxious sound off that I leapt out of my bed in one swoop. One foot had fallen asleep and didn’t cooperate with my other foot. My slippers rested on the floor below the bed and my numb foot and the slippers didn’t work together. I ended up on my knees. I’m pretty certain the slippers tripped me (purposely). I didn’t suffer a serious injury but I limped the rest of the morning. My slippers were the only danger I ever faced in Mexico.

This woman is wearing slippers similar to the ones that tried to kill me. She seems unaware of the danger she’s in.

5. Our world would be a dreary place without children.

If we didn’t have children, who would tell us the truth? Who would say, “I’m sorry you’re poor,” when they noticed you don’t drive a Mercedes? Who would say, “Mr. Wilson, this spaghetti tastes like barf” when you have a group of children over for a sleepover and your chef husband added a touch of Romano cheese to the spaghetti? Who would say, “You stink” when their mother is cooking with garlic and they think the smell comes from you? You say in defense, “No, it’s not me. It’s the garlic your mother is putting in the pizza sauce.” Kids don’t want your explanation. Their eyes squint your way. They purse their lips. They know the truth.

This boy doesn’t want to hear your lies. He knows what stinks and what doesn’t.

6. The best thing in life after love and flowers and coffee is QVC.

This shopping channel is a remarkable way to buy what you never thought you wanted but suddenly must have. Did you want a purse –all leather from Italy? Probably didn’t think you did until you watched QVC. The women hosts on the program can sell anything. If they had old hotdogs with mold for sale, the QVC women could sell thousands.

QVC Host: “Here we have something that’s new and trendy and a must-have. These are old hotdogs, purchased way after the expiration date, and we at QVC were fortunate to get a hold of about 10,000 packages. Our Worn-out Wonder Wieners come in several shades of green. We have sage-green, moldy-green, and grayish-green. Oh! …Oh!… I’m so sorry but the grayish-green wieners just sold out. They are going fast. Call in now before the other two shades also disappear. Let me show you how stylish your dinner party will be with our exclusive Worn-out Wonder Wieners. See, how they glisten a green shine on this platter? Just think how your friends and family will enjoy visiting ER after a sumptuous meal of your green wienies. Mabel, tell me. How many of these wonderful wieners do we have left now? Oh no! Only 500 packages left. Hurry, call in now and order. And don’t forget. You can have these with only five easy payments.”

ßω♥  ***some embellishment or exaggeration may have been used in the making of this blog.