The Book I Didn’t Want To Read

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I had a problem. I didn’t want to read the book I had ordered.

I’ve read all of Anne Lamott’s non-fiction books (except maybe one). When I learned of her upcoming new book Almost Everything, I immediately pre-ordered a Kindle download. I later discovered I could order a hardcover book signed by Anne Lamott for a few dollars more. I pre-ordered the signed hardcover and cancelled the Kindle order.

A month later Anne’s book came out, but I didn’t receive my hardcover copy for another six weeks. When I opened the book, I noticed an official-looking piece of paper inside the pages. The gold-embossed paper stated “Certificate of Authenticity,” an assurance Anne’s signature belonged to her and not an imposter Anne. Her signature on the title page seemed to emanate the vibes: “I’m getting tired of signing my name thousands of times so I’ll make my first name legible but give me a break on my last name. Here ya go.” read more

Facebook, Tidy Cat, and Misery

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A few days ago, I learned the sad truth. Facebook harms your sense of well-being and the well-being of others.
According to a research-based study at the University of Pennsylvania, Facebook (in addition to Snapchat and Instagram) increases depression and loneliness. Psychologist Melissa G. Hunt who published her research findings in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology suggests users reduce their time spent on social media. “When you look at other people’s lives, particularly on Instagram, it’s easy to conclude that everyone else’s life is cooler or better than yours,” she says.
She has a point. No one posts photos of the unpleasant, boring, miserable events of their lives. No one announces with happy grin and toilet brush, “I’m cleaning the bathroom now.” I haven’t yet come across a post stating, “Here’s a picture of me slouched on the couch, in my pajamas, doing nothing.”
Instead, we see vacation photos of our friend’s river cruise on the Rhine. The Facebook post shows our friend lounging on the ship’s deck, feet up, drink in hand, all smiles while gazing at majestic castles on the riverbank. You, on the other hand, remain at home getting ready to clean the cat’s litter box. According to the research study, social comparison takes over and you begin to feel depressed. Your friend enjoys a European adventure while you need to drive to the store to buy more Tidy Cat.
It’s not that social comparison is a new concept. It has been around for a long time. As a child, I often heard the phrase “keeping up with the Joneses” (not the Kardashians). I had no idea who the Joneses were, but it seemed everyone wanted to have whatever they had.
Back then, I only wanted to keep up with Winifred. She had a color TV. My family, and everyone else in our neighborhood, had a black and white TV. Winifred, the red-haired girl who lived down the street, bragged she watched Bonanza in color. She viewed the Ponderosa all aglow in green fir trees and glistening blue sky. Oh! Oh! If only I, too, could see the Ponderosa in color—my life would be complete. read more

She Sees Christmas in Her Dream Home

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Rrrrrr, rrrrr, thunk.

Jerry and I had just finished lunch at one of our favorite spots. After hopping into the car, we were ready to get on with our plans for the day. Now the car wouldn’t start. Jerry checked under the hood, and reported back to me that everything looked fine. He had no idea why our car had died.

“We need to call a tow truck,” he said. I remembered we had free towing with our insurance and called our insurance company. I asked for a tow truck and soon received a text notifying me it would be 90 minutes before a truck would come to our rescue. read more

5 Reasons to Smile, or Laugh

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  • Nutrisystem commercials state, “Eat the food, lose the weight.” A voice on the TV explains you can eat pizza, hamburgers, French fries, and ice cream and you lose weight. What isn’t explained is the amount of food you can eat to lose the weight. You want ice cream? You can have ¼ teaspoon. Pizza? You may smell it only. French fries? Imagine eating it because that’s the only way you will lose weight eating French fries. Marie Osmond announces she lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem. However, she doesn’t explain this occurred after she removed her gold jewelry.

    To lose weight, you imagine eating these French fries only. Diet plan that works–never eat, only imagine.

  • Bananas. This is the funniest fruit ever. And not because people slip on their peels, which I never thought funny anyway. This fruit is laughable because it has the capability to deceive you very cleverly. You pick the best bunch of bananas you can find in the store’s produce department. You don’t want the green ones because sometimes they never ripen. So you choose the nice yellow bunch. By the time you get your bananas home, they have broken out in brown speckles all over. When you decide you want a banana later that day, you find your bunch of bananas have shriveled to black. Now this may be an Arizona occurrence because I don’t remember that I needed to hit the gas and race home with my bananas when I lived in Washington state. It’s colder there and bananas seem to prefer the Pacific Northwest. The brown speckles didn’t appear for several days back in Washington. In addition, banana is a funny-sounding word. It has no dignified sophistication like a peach or pear. The word banana is fun to say and rhyme, like Banana nana bo bana, fe fi fo fana, or Bananarama. Also, we use the word to refer to someone who is crazy. “He’s bananas.” No one says, “he’s artichokes.” 
  • Wednesdays. It’s trash day in our neighborhood on Wednesdays. I find it funny because it’s Trashy Hump Day for us. If our trash day landed on Tuesday, it would not be funny. Trashy Tuesday isn’t funny.
  • Instant Pot. It’s a pot that makes delicious meals in 10 minutes. The Instant Pot meals come out perfect with the meat very tender and vegetables cooked to perfection. This happens because the Instant Pot is like a huge pressurized sauna for your food. I regret all those years I had attempted to cook food in an oven or on the stove, which resulted in tough meat and lackluster vegetables. Now I have the Instant Pot. Who would have thought a nice steamy sauna for your food would make life so much easier? The Instant Pot gives me a rest from my previous cooking tactics of hacking, burning, boiling, and frying–not to mention, frustrated and screaming with kitchen knife in hand.

    I receive no compensation for saying this item has given me renewed peace in the kitchen.

  • Yard signs with serious threats.βω♥

    This sign is posted in Phoenix. “Children found climbing our Rock Wall will be sold to the Circus.” Children were suspiciously missing when I took this picture.  

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    The Mood of No

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    A woman in the booth behind me blurted, “WHA-AAAAT?”

    Moments earlier, Jerry and I had congratulated ourselves on choosing a booth where we could enjoy quiet in one of our favorite lunch spots. Jerry bit into his grilled ham and cheese sandwich and I took a delicate swig of my coffee.

    I couldn’t see the woman, but I could hear her over the café’s chattering, kitchen-clanking din. Her agitated outburst continued, “I DON’T WANT TO BE NEGATIVE HERE, BUT WHY DID SHE SEND EVERYONE AN EMAIL ABOUT ME? SHE HASN’T SAID ANYTHING TO ME.” read more